When Things Don't Go Your Way

It's almost lunch time. My eyes are puffy and tired. My heart is heavy. I have a lot of work to do today that will continue over the next 6+ days. I spent most of my morning writing in my journal and looking out of the window in my office.

I'm happy here. I'm friends with my neighbors. I put in effort to create a little community of people who support each other. I love my neighbors, my friends, and the people in my community. So, why are my eyes so puffy and tired?

Well, I've been crying a lot lately. Over the last 5 years I've been through some really hard things.

I was a caregiver for my mother. Today, I still feel the sharp pain of grief at her loss occassionally. I told my husband this morning that I'm grieving again. I feel that heavy pain that comes along when you lose something you love. This grief is not because of my mother though. While I miss her terribly, she is not the cause of my grief today. I'm grieving because it looks like I must move. This is painful. I don't want to move. I tried to buy this house, my house. Now, I must move forward regardless of the gaping hole in my heart, again.

My biggest brightness of hope after my mother's passing was snuffed out when my dad sold a plot of land to someone that wasn't me. I spent so much time working on a home design that I would love. A home I could live in for years and raise my children. When circumstances changed, I wasn't ready for it. So, I cried in the basement as I heard the construction equipment prepare the foundation for what would not be mine.

I sunk into my own personal pit of despair. I slowly let go of life, and sank deeper and deeper, until I was on my way out. I had nothing to keep me here.

In my darkest hour, I prayed. I told God that I could reach out to one person. It was from that one person that I received an invitation to go to South Korea for a pageant. She pulled me out of the darkness and planted my feet firmly onto a foundation of ground filled with light and hope.

I went on an adventure! I competed in an international pageant with only a few weeks of preparation. I perceived that I did terribly. Then the words of another friend came to my mind, "Anything worth doing is worth doing terrribly." When I came home I decided that no matter how horrible I was at something I would be proud of myself for doing it, no matter how terrible it turned out.

I started to sink back into my pit of despair. This time I was praying for a new place to live. I couldn't be the caregiver anymore. I couldn't live in someone else's basement anymore. I needed my own space. A place I could make my own and raise my little family.

The most amazing miracle came with a rejection from a potential rental. I set up an appointment to view a house. We arrived early at the house and waited for the realtor to show up. Crickets. Nobody came to show us the house. I called the office and was informed that the house was already rented. I went home and cried.

The next morning was a Saturday. When I woke up that morning I decided that I wouldn't wallow. I let it go with the hope that the next place would be better. I went to church the next day and one of my friends told me to talk with another friend. The house next door to them was just listed for rent that morning! I called the listing agent, set up a viewing and went to see the house that day. My husband and I submitted our application. We were notified of our approval on Monday morning! We could move in, in just a few days!

We moved in and the next week had an impromptu birthday party for our oldest daughter. We invited all of our friends from the neighborhood and from church and we celebrated together!

It's been a glorious year! I have loved living next door to two of my amazing friends. I feel sandwiched by their love and support. I love looking out my north window and seeing my friend's garden growing beautifully. I also love looking out my west window and seeing my other friend's kids playing the backyard or digging their gigantic hole in her garden. I love having the neighborhood kids over to play. I even love how they ask for food or drink in their indirect way. I love having a support system in my neighborhood. I just love these people.

A month ago, our property manager informed us that the owner is planning on selling the house. We decided to buy it. I felt so much peace that it was mine!

Yesterday, we got notice that our offer was rejected. And a few hours later a notice to vacate the property was emailed to us and a copy was physically delivered.

I have 7 days to pack up my house and find a temporary place to live until I can find another house to put an offer in.

All the grief that's bubbling up for me is beautiful in it's own way. Grief is a gift. It means that I loved. It means I enjoyed. It means that I may even be sacrificing something. It means I'm hurting. It means that God gets to heal me and work with me and for me in new and different ways.

I don't know how things will work out, but I do know that they will work out somehow.

It's time to allow God to prevail in my life.

Today, I'm getting ready to move. I have a lot of work to do in a very short amount of time. I'm grateful for my experience here! And, while I'm grieving and loathe to move, I'm also trusting that God will direct me to be exactly where I need to be for the next season of my life.